Of the Atom and the Soul

I was back from college, tired, aching and marginally depressed. Idecided to go for a long hot shower to unwind: a decision I'm always slightly wary to take (not bathing in general (I hear you sigh with relief here), but those extra long - perfume candled- expensive shower gelled baths) as I have many a time been struck by the depth of my own introspective abilities when stimulated by the right environment.

I don't know if the perplexing things that strike me are questions that 'normal' people have pondered over and managed to solve in their pre-teen years, or questions that the buddha might have through of on his way to enlightenment. Not that I claim to have the arrogance to compare my introspections to the Buddha's quest for enlightenment. But I prefer to believe the latter, as it would save me the shame of dealing with a question of maturity.

So, I was there, unwinding, forgetting about accounts and their reporting, forgetting about the troubles that affect me from a land far way, forgetting about my fears and insecurities - just forgetting. I felt the hot water slide down my face, felt the mist in the air, could see the windows fogging up, could feel every muscle relax. I followed the path of a tiny droplet of water as it began its fall from the tip of my nose straight to the bottom of the bath. Then it struck me.

All my life untill that very moment, I always felt I knew the meaning of the 'God is everywhere' line that most people have grown up with.
When I was young, I tried to at first imagine tiny little Ganesh's everywhere I looked, but realised even at that tender age that it could not possibly be.
As I grew older, I grew to belive in the soul and the energy of the universe. I tried to come up with my definition of God and struggled to find a way to make everything fit together- God, science, the soul, the atom.

I don't know when, but I eventually grew to believe that inside every atom, inside every nucleus, inside every quart (here my knowledge of chemistry ends), inside the smallest particle of an atom - is the energy of the Universe or God or whatever you wish to call it.
That would explain it!- God is everywhere. Not quite little images of Ganesh floating in space, but his energy inside everything.

I also believe in the soul- in that everyone has one and that animals,plants and trees have one.
And I thought that the soul was ultimately also God's or the Universal Spirit's energy.

Yet, that water droplet got me thinking. That drop probably had a billion atoms and if what I belived was true, each one of them had a 'soul'- ie that one tiny drop of water was the equivalent ,in Universal Energy terms, to a billion human beings?

Am I just the same as an atom of hydrogen?

That cannot possibly be correct? Not that I am supercilious enough to belive in the absolute superiority of the human form of life, but it just cannot be. If anything, I belive that the 'truth' which the luckier few of us in the world set out to find, will be ultimately and purely logical. Nothing mysterious, nothing magical- but logical. Every part of it will fit together like a globe puzzle and the bigger picture will be revealed.

So I find myself in a predicament- I now have no theory that works, even if only superficially. Am I back then to square one? The thought petrifies me.

Though it scares me that I never though of this serious flaw in my resourceful equation, I refuse to give up.

Another day, another water droplet, and maybe it will undo the damage this drop did to me today.